Fun at Work
Dec. 2nd, 2003 05:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
corilannamWork has been a living hell for the last few weeks, but today, despite our repro department calling me every ten minutes instead of just actually printing the damn stuff I gave them, turned out to be fun.
First, I had my performance review, which is always extremely anxiety-producing for me ("Oh, God. What if they tell me I suck and take away my internet access?"). But it was glowing and wonderful, with only a couple of notes, so I'm happy.
And since the last thing anyone wants to do after a glowing performance review is actually work, I wrote a silly little Stargate snippet to amuse myself in between the calls from repro. I produce it below for the possible entertainment of anyone else who has to do their performance reviews this time of year.
“Um, Jack? Knock knock?”
Jack looked up from his stack of papers and waved grandiosely for Daniel to enter. “Ah, Daniel. There you are.”
“Yeah. Here I am.” Daniel stayed by the doorway, looking around Jack’s office with the same expression he used for a first survey of a Goa’uld temple. “You called me.”
“Yes, I did.” He motioned for Daniel to take a seat, and kept his hand poised there when Daniel didn’t move.
“You called me to your office.”
“Glad to see you’re exercising those memory cells. Your grasp of the last ten minutes is really impressive.”
“You never call me to your office. You always come and harass me in my office. And then you won’t leave.”
“Normally, that is true, yes.”
“I keep trying to get the locks changed, but—“
“Hey.” He waved his suspended hand, both to get Daniel’s attention and keep the circulation going in his arm. “Pull up a chair, stay a while. It’s that time of year.”
Cautiously, Daniel approached and lowered himself into the stiff plastic chair across from Jack. “It’s what time of year?”
“Annual staff performance review. You probably remember those, from the last time you were corporeal.”
Daniel winced. “I think I was trying not to remember. And you don’t do my performance review.”
“I’m your immediate personnel supervisor.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.” He held up his hand. “Ah! I will concede that previously, I was not technically your personnel supervisor. However, upon your, shall we say, reinstatement, I suggested, and General Hammond agreed, that it would make more sense for me to handle your file, seeing as I have a practical supervisory role over you.”
“You have no supervisory role over me. You don’t even know what I do.”
“Sure I do. Your job description is right here in your file.”
“Oh, God.”
“Now, shall we get started?”
Daniel rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair. “Oh, by all means. Let’s get this farce over with as soon as possible.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part?”
“I said, by all means, sir, please, tell me about my job performance.”
“Excellent. Okay, overall, I think we’re very pleased with your performance this year.”
“Thank you. Can I go?”
“I only have a few notes.”
“You’re giving me notes?”
“So far this year, you’ve helped save seven planets, relocated three populations facing natural disasters, established diplomatic relations with eight previously unknown civilizations, and discovered five potentially powerful artifacts.”
“Wow. So that’s pretty good, right?”
“Well, actually, that’s down about forty percent from the previous year.”
“The previous year I was dead.”
“I mean the previous year you weren’t dead.”
Daniel craned his neck to look at the form on the top of his file. “Is this by calendar year or fiscal year?”
“I really have no idea.”
“Because either way, I think I was dead for half of this year, too. You have to make allowances for that.”
“True. So that actually puts you up on last year by....”
They both stared at the page, brows furrowed identically.
“The actual math isn’t my strong suit,” Daniel said finally.
“We’ll just call it ‘consistent with the excellent contributions of previous review periods,’ shall we?”
“That sounds fair.”
“Now, on to the professional development section. I see that the socio-political department has offered a number of courses in languages, ancient history, and alien cultural relations this year, even discounting the part of the year you, uh, missed. You aren’t listed as having attended any of them.”
“Why would I?”
“We like our personnel to keep their skills sharp and up-to-date. For instance, just last month there was a seminar on intermediate Goa’uld syntax.”
“I wrote the textbook for that class.”
“Fair point. Well, I think that’s just about it. Keep up the good work.”
“Wait a minute. What about the compensation part of the discussion? Do I get a raise?”
“Nope.” Jack leaned back and put his pen down on the folder.
“What? What do you mean? You said my performance was excellent.”
“Yes, but your salary was already 130 percent of what civilian consultants at your level usually make, and you were reinstated at ten percent again over that. Someone in Personnel must have been feeling sentimental. So until your salary comes back within the range of your market value, you’ll be seeing only a nominal increase.”
“My market value?” Daniel gaped at him. “My market value? How in the world can you even determine a market value on what any of us do?”
“Hey, you’re still making thirty grand more than me, not counting hazard pay. Quit bitching while you’re ahead.”
“You’re such an ass.”
“Says the man who’s paying for dinner tonight. All right, just sign here, and we’re done.”
“I don’t think this was a fair and impartial evaluation.”
“Just sign the damn thing, Daniel.”
“Excuse me, Colonel?”
Jack looked up at General Hammond, standing in the doorway. “Ah, sir. Daniel and I were just going over his performance review.”
“Yes, so I heard, from down the hallway.” The general patted Daniel on the shoulder sympathetically. “Which reminded me, I have a good chunk of time free now to do yours. Just come on down to my office when you’re done here.”
The general left. Jack swallowed hard. Daniel smiled smugly and signed the paper.
Then my boss (my Good Boss) asked me to tell her the end of the fourth Harry Potter book, because they only got a third of the way through the audio book on their way to the beach for Thanksgiving last week, and she was curious to know how the Tri-Wizard Tournament ended. I told her what I could remember, with the disclaimer that it's been a couple of years and GoF is the only one of the books I haven't reread. Then she made the mistake of asking what happened with Harry's godfather, which I was able to tell her in explicit detail, including verbatim quotes from the end of the book from memory.
Think I accidentally spoiled my coworker next door, though. Oops.
First, I had my performance review, which is always extremely anxiety-producing for me ("Oh, God. What if they tell me I suck and take away my internet access?"). But it was glowing and wonderful, with only a couple of notes, so I'm happy.
And since the last thing anyone wants to do after a glowing performance review is actually work, I wrote a silly little Stargate snippet to amuse myself in between the calls from repro. I produce it below for the possible entertainment of anyone else who has to do their performance reviews this time of year.
“Um, Jack? Knock knock?”
Jack looked up from his stack of papers and waved grandiosely for Daniel to enter. “Ah, Daniel. There you are.”
“Yeah. Here I am.” Daniel stayed by the doorway, looking around Jack’s office with the same expression he used for a first survey of a Goa’uld temple. “You called me.”
“Yes, I did.” He motioned for Daniel to take a seat, and kept his hand poised there when Daniel didn’t move.
“You called me to your office.”
“Glad to see you’re exercising those memory cells. Your grasp of the last ten minutes is really impressive.”
“You never call me to your office. You always come and harass me in my office. And then you won’t leave.”
“Normally, that is true, yes.”
“I keep trying to get the locks changed, but—“
“Hey.” He waved his suspended hand, both to get Daniel’s attention and keep the circulation going in his arm. “Pull up a chair, stay a while. It’s that time of year.”
Cautiously, Daniel approached and lowered himself into the stiff plastic chair across from Jack. “It’s what time of year?”
“Annual staff performance review. You probably remember those, from the last time you were corporeal.”
Daniel winced. “I think I was trying not to remember. And you don’t do my performance review.”
“I’m your immediate personnel supervisor.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.” He held up his hand. “Ah! I will concede that previously, I was not technically your personnel supervisor. However, upon your, shall we say, reinstatement, I suggested, and General Hammond agreed, that it would make more sense for me to handle your file, seeing as I have a practical supervisory role over you.”
“You have no supervisory role over me. You don’t even know what I do.”
“Sure I do. Your job description is right here in your file.”
“Oh, God.”
“Now, shall we get started?”
Daniel rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair. “Oh, by all means. Let’s get this farce over with as soon as possible.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part?”
“I said, by all means, sir, please, tell me about my job performance.”
“Excellent. Okay, overall, I think we’re very pleased with your performance this year.”
“Thank you. Can I go?”
“I only have a few notes.”
“You’re giving me notes?”
“So far this year, you’ve helped save seven planets, relocated three populations facing natural disasters, established diplomatic relations with eight previously unknown civilizations, and discovered five potentially powerful artifacts.”
“Wow. So that’s pretty good, right?”
“Well, actually, that’s down about forty percent from the previous year.”
“The previous year I was dead.”
“I mean the previous year you weren’t dead.”
Daniel craned his neck to look at the form on the top of his file. “Is this by calendar year or fiscal year?”
“I really have no idea.”
“Because either way, I think I was dead for half of this year, too. You have to make allowances for that.”
“True. So that actually puts you up on last year by....”
They both stared at the page, brows furrowed identically.
“The actual math isn’t my strong suit,” Daniel said finally.
“We’ll just call it ‘consistent with the excellent contributions of previous review periods,’ shall we?”
“That sounds fair.”
“Now, on to the professional development section. I see that the socio-political department has offered a number of courses in languages, ancient history, and alien cultural relations this year, even discounting the part of the year you, uh, missed. You aren’t listed as having attended any of them.”
“Why would I?”
“We like our personnel to keep their skills sharp and up-to-date. For instance, just last month there was a seminar on intermediate Goa’uld syntax.”
“I wrote the textbook for that class.”
“Fair point. Well, I think that’s just about it. Keep up the good work.”
“Wait a minute. What about the compensation part of the discussion? Do I get a raise?”
“Nope.” Jack leaned back and put his pen down on the folder.
“What? What do you mean? You said my performance was excellent.”
“Yes, but your salary was already 130 percent of what civilian consultants at your level usually make, and you were reinstated at ten percent again over that. Someone in Personnel must have been feeling sentimental. So until your salary comes back within the range of your market value, you’ll be seeing only a nominal increase.”
“My market value?” Daniel gaped at him. “My market value? How in the world can you even determine a market value on what any of us do?”
“Hey, you’re still making thirty grand more than me, not counting hazard pay. Quit bitching while you’re ahead.”
“You’re such an ass.”
“Says the man who’s paying for dinner tonight. All right, just sign here, and we’re done.”
“I don’t think this was a fair and impartial evaluation.”
“Just sign the damn thing, Daniel.”
“Excuse me, Colonel?”
Jack looked up at General Hammond, standing in the doorway. “Ah, sir. Daniel and I were just going over his performance review.”
“Yes, so I heard, from down the hallway.” The general patted Daniel on the shoulder sympathetically. “Which reminded me, I have a good chunk of time free now to do yours. Just come on down to my office when you’re done here.”
The general left. Jack swallowed hard. Daniel smiled smugly and signed the paper.
Then my boss (my Good Boss) asked me to tell her the end of the fourth Harry Potter book, because they only got a third of the way through the audio book on their way to the beach for Thanksgiving last week, and she was curious to know how the Tri-Wizard Tournament ended. I told her what I could remember, with the disclaimer that it's been a couple of years and GoF is the only one of the books I haven't reread. Then she made the mistake of asking what happened with Harry's godfather, which I was able to tell her in explicit detail, including verbatim quotes from the end of the book from memory.
Think I accidentally spoiled my coworker next door, though. Oops.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-02 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-02 07:13 pm (UTC)